Musings

I feel…

FearVulnerableSadAngry

Fear of being so tired.

Fear of not being able to plan.

I woke up this morning feeling tired drained down. With an uh-oh feeling in the pits of my depths. Will this be another day of unfulfilled plans?  Catching myself lashing out, and then reexamining the source of this frustration.  What is my sad tired self trying to tell me?  See I am learning, getting in touch with my humanity.

What is this I feel? Fear, predominantly.

Fear of swinging down, back to that dark place from which it is extremely hard to return.

Fear of being unable to provide the consistency that society requires.

Even in the new circles of more accepting people that I have built around myself.

Feeling judged rather than accepted. So tired.

Also anger.

Why do I have this thing that makes me swing about so? And why do I live in a world where I NEED to be otherwise? Where I am made to feel like a failure–I fear I am doomed to be a failure for something that is part of me my brain chemistry.

Why is it unacceptable to need personal time?

And then fear. More fear. A little sadness. I crave a human touch, someone to tell me it is all ok. And I fear I will never find a person who will understand me for WHO I AM. Who will understand that beneath the still patient quiet exterior and the fractured prism of emotional perception is just another a bleeding heart, after all.  One that needs to be loved. Someone who will look within to see all that, be unafraid, and who will touch me in the way I need to be touched and tell me that it is ok.

I miss my sister. My dad. Even my mom.

Sometimes it is nice to just be able to sit and feel. Thank goodness I have that, at least.