The last few days have been hard. I fear this. The last time this decline happened I could do nothing to stop it. I was down for 2 months, unable to move speak get out of bed shower eat or sleep. I had just enough wherewithal to get my psychiatric support team in place thanks to year round health insurance provided by the graduate school. I am far from any other support. No one sees anything wrong. I have often marvelled at how I can disappear completely off the face of the planet and no one would miss me. I wonder why mental health issues somehow have less legitimacy when the mind is everything that defines me, much more so than this physical shell which would be a husk; stupid chemicals misfiring neurons. I fear losing my mind. I feel powerless. I clawed my way out before but I don’t know if I still have it in me. My scientific career will not withstand 2 more months of hiatus. I fear a lifetime of unpredictable incapacitations. What kind of life would that be?
I would like to think it is old stuff I have to process but I am still sliding.